When your old self stops fitting (and why it’s a blessing)

The part of leveling up that no one talks about

Welcome to another essay about my recent solo traveling experience in the French countryside. You can catch up on previous essays here.

On Day 4 of my trip, I felt an overwhelming amount of abundance. And I don’t mean in the financial terms—sure, that’s a part of it. I fully splurged while I was in France and bought my first Chanel bag with the money I made from all of my hard work over the last few months (!!!).

What I mean is—an abundance in time, energy and space.

SPACE!

For a whole week, I had freedom to do whatever I wanted. Go wherever I want to. Create whatever I wanted to create. Move however I wanted to move.

Yet, there was this nagging thought in the back of my mind…what am I supposed to do with all of this?

It led me to reflect on the version of me a year ago—Karin in Summer 2024—and think about all of the ways she used her time.

I was still struggling with my health, so I spent an hour on Mondays and Fridays at my Pelvic Floor Therapists office or laying down on an acupuncture table to relieve my symptoms.

I was working on a different team at work, so during the week, I was sitting in back to back meetings, anxiously sending emails out while simultaneously presenting a deck because I had so much on my to-do list. Working until 7/8 at night. So, any ounce of free time before my work day started or after was spent doing more spiritual practices because…well…my stressed out body and mind needed it.

Like clockwork, I’d come home from work, change into comfy clothes, open the TBM app or Open or anything for that matter, lay on my bed and go deep into my subconscious mind for 30 minutes.

After dinner, I’d pull out my laptop and spend hours and hours and hours creating. Writing. Not because my soul wanted to, but because my ego believed that I wasn’t worthy of success unless I was productive.

I also remembered how deep I was in healing my body that I’d spend 20 minutes every evening doing Nicole Sach’s ‘Journal Speak’ practice (for anyone who suffers with chronic symptoms, this certainly was a game changer for me), purging out every angry, mean, fearful thought onto paper. I can’t believe I used to spend TWENTY MINUTES each day writing only about negative things!!!

So, as I reflected on all the ways I used to use my time, I realized…wow. I never ever ever had space to actually LIVE. To just be. To do the joyful thing, not the thing that would get me to whatever result I was seeking.

And then, there I was in Saint-Remy de Provence, with all of the space in the world. Questioning what do to with. How to seize it. How to live inside of it. How to…enjoy it.

It led me to wonder…I’m now living through one of my greatest prayers—freedom—so what’s actually happening to me? Is part of me is dying off, or am I not capable of holding this blessing?

Well, here’s the download God dropped into my mind that Thursday afternoon: